Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
