I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
