3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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