Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
