My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
