you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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