even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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