I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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