The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He told me they were just razor bumps!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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