I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
