im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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