I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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