My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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