apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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