god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
