sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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