my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
