I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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