I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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