Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
