my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
