I think I won the penis lottery.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize
