Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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