I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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