My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
