Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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