It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
