A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
