When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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