Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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