so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
