Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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