I'm so fucking centered right now
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
