He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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