Kiss
Puke
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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