I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
