Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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