When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
