I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
