my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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