I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
