I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Alive.
So much puke
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
