Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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