my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
