okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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