I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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