She is in my trunk
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
