Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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