my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
