If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
