My first STD was from a foam party
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
