You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
